I have lived a lot in the past three days. Maybe too much. I probably should be sleeping, but there are a lot of thoughts on my mind. The easy thought is how frustrated I am that I have to work this week (even though I like my job).
Three days ago, my cousin Wes (aka “Gangster) came with our friend Tim (aka “King Kong Panda) and other friends Ben (aka “White Tower”) and John (aka “the Travelling Kilt”). Add myself to the mix (aka “Spider Ted”) and you have the entire “Super Adventure Squad” also known as the “Wolf Pack.”
To set the scene, we are all in Phnom Penh, but all my friends are going to Sihanoukville (or as I call it, Seein’ a Hooker Ville”). Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t going to Sihanoukville for tail. They could get plenty of that in Phnom Penh.
As I write, I am chatting on Facebook and my thoughts feel constipated. On a side note, I feel very strongly that I really care about being close with people and having friendships. I even am planning to throw a BIG party after I sell my house in USA. My vision is to invite everyone that I really like and have craziness, but I don’t know how feasible that is… But dreams must be brought to fruition. Maybe I will describe my dream party in another post.
So, all my friends are going to Seein’ a Hooker Ville, but I have to stay in Phnom Penh and work, because I have a job and I cannot take a vacation. I know it is just a small thing, but life disappoints me sometimes.
Life is like getting your cock dipped into piss. It is like that sometimes. Nobody wants to dip their penis into urine, but it happens sometimes. What I mean to say is that the vision of what should happen in life sometimes doesn’t match reality.
The other day, my friends and I went to Heart of Darkness in Phnom Penh (a nightclub). I needed to go to the men’s room to go Number Two… I get in there and the toilet is plugged with water/piss up to the top. I am drunk as I furiously wipe down the entire toilet seat with toilet paper and even lay down toilet paper on the toilet seat.
Everything is perfectly ready – the seat has a layer of toilet paper on it as I sit down… And dip my pecker into the toilet water. Shite! My entire focus was on making the toilet seat clean that I didn’t even focus on the big picture, which is not dipping my shaft into the piss.
As it turns out, it was a false alarm and I couldn’t even shit and I didn’t need to pee. I felt quite dejected and humiliated as I realized that I had just spent a few minutes preparing the toilet seat only to get my penis covered in a mixture of urine and water. And at least I could have gotten something for all my efforts.
So the next time that you hate yourself for being stupid, just forgive yourself and reassure yourself that at least you haven’t dipped your sausage into toilet water.
It is extremely important to be open-minded and kind. The last three days has taught me that lesson in abundance. The first night the SAS (Super Adventure Squad) was in Phnom Penh, we went out and had an epic time (and yes I hate that fucking word, but in this case our time out was fucking amazing).
What happens in Phnom Penh stays in Phnom Penh, but I can say that some amazing naughtiness was happening and the SAS had some “Bat Men” that night. In the midst of these shenanigans, I totally misjudged something. Now I am paying for it with pangs of jealousy and just missing the thrills of two nights ago.
Absolutely nothing is wrong, but I was introduced like a chainsaw meeting a tree trunk that you cannot write people off. People surprise you and the second that you take them for granted, you didn’t see the diamond in the rough until it smacks you in the eye. I cannot describe exactly how I feel, but I can say that being intoxicated is amazing.
I am not a dark guy. I don’t buy knives or guns or protection of any kind, because I believe that the odds of being assaulted are reasonably low and even if they did assault me, I don’t think there is much that I need to protect. I am okay to die if I have too (although I love being alive). I don’t want to die, as the experience of dying seems horrifying (and I have seen it and it is like shit wrapped into dry hard shit)… but the experience of being dead is incomprehensible and therefore not so worrisome. It is the turbulence of dying that is scary, not the afterlife… I want to talk about fear of suffering, but maybe not now… My main idea is that if I feared unpleasantness enough, I could carry a heavy dose of opiates with me and take away all the pain away at any time if the experience became to unpleasant. But that is cutting life rather short isn’t it? The other option is to strengthen the mind enough to look suffering directly in the face and tower over it.
As it turns out, I have been given a wonderful gift from the “White Tower” (aka Ben) of rings. The rings have skulls on them and it is fabulous. I feel so much more bad-ass having two skull rings on my fingers. I don’t think that I can scare anybody, but what is more macabre than skulls. Love it.
Lesson learned #2… love every nice thing that comes my way. Lesson to start learning, respond to love with generosity.
I really just want to stop hurting myself. I want to bring strong determination into my life experience. Even water can cut when it has enough pressure. In the same way, I want my mind (which is like water) to have focus and compassion. It certainly won’t cut anything or do any Jedi mind tricks, but at least I can be aware of what is happening before it happens rather than after I have pushed myself into something that is not right for me.
I don’t need courage. I need love. I need to love myself enough to give myself gifts. I feel like strong determination is constantly giving oneself little gifts of discipline, concentration, and POWER. It means bitch slapping the monkey mind and squashing the little fears, cravings, and addictions that pop into our minds as unwelcome guests and drag us around like a dog on a chain. I don’t want to be a slave to my own mind. I want my own mind to be my loving, quiet, patient friend who takes care of me.
Now I am really tired. I have written quite a bit. I haven’t gotten every little feeling out, but I deserve rest. I don’t know why I am writing out to the world. I guess I feel like I just want to attract good things to myself (actually, I just want to feel loved). I really would like to create something awesome in the world and possibly by explaining some things about my human experience, that can cause a slight rift (hopefully in a good way).
Everything has come full circle. I have written for well over an hour and I finally realized that two nights ago I felt loved. Loved by my friends. Loved by just being happy. That is the experience that I just want to feel again. And the physical personification of those feelings is going to Seein’ a Hooker Ville and I am staying in PP. And that really hurts. Really.
Story… to be fucking continued, because the Super Adventure Squad is going to mother f-ing Thailand and we are going to tear things up like we do. I will try to get some pictures in my blog. I know this is way to much text… Cheers people!
The Amazing Life of Spiderted 