Helter Skelter Seconds Ticking

I hate to think of myself as being depressed. I hate to think of myself as closed in. But I cannot deny that this is how I sometimes feel.

As I write, my thoughts turn to confusion. Not knowing. Not feeling clear.

We are all endowed with time. We have 86,400 seconds in each day (although I sleep 28,800 seconds every night without regrets). That leaves 58,000 seconds left over.

What am I supposed to do with my time? That is a question that I am sure a lot of other people would have as well. Unfortunately, I often fail to allocate time to the most important things.

I believe that several things are critical to bringing me into feelings of equilibrium, harmony, and happiness. (1) Focus my attention on some sort of vision or purpose for my life. (2) Take time for regular meditation. (3) Definitely put first things first — this means that I must take regular time to plan/schedule the most important activities for my life.

The last thing I would say (and I will leave with a question…) is… how do I know what is causing the problems in my life? There have been times in my life where I have felt really on track and now I am at a point in my life where I feel helter skelter. Does anyone have a technique to create personal awareness of the changes in ones life and how past personal actions affect their present life?

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I’m Second guessing.

I’m Not flowing. Self-loathing.

Sit down. Meditate.

Pain and Sadness (and I am sorry)

I can’t stop crying. Pain. Sadness. Cannot. Cannot. Cannot. Feel. Life is too fast.

I let people tell me their bullshit. The times I am happiest are when I feel like I am completing someone else. If I am completing someone else, then my life has purpose.

I don’t want to be alone. How do I tell others the bullshit in my mind? How can I stop blaming others? How can I feel like I am at one with the world?

What am I sorry about? I am sorry that I haven’t been there for my sisters. That was pretty fucked up about me when I didn’t have time for my sister when she needed me to help my other sister. I pretty much dropped the ball at that time.

I am sorry about my good friend whose name starts with an M. When he came to Cambodia for a month, I was happier than I have been in a long time. But now I don’t know when he is coming back and other people blame him (partly in an unfair way). In him, I see the good and the bad in myself and I am sorry because I feel like I haven’t been a good friend. There have been things he has done that upset me and I there are ways that I blame him. I don’t know if he sees that. The biggest one is how I pulled away from my meditation practice when he was here and I feel that was such a big let down of myself and I know it wasn’t his fault…

My other friend, I feel like I cannot be enough for him and I am not sure if I have been doing right for him. I want him to come and be a part of my life, because I am sure my life will be happier to have a good friend living here with me. But in another way, I am not sure that my own path in life is a good path. I sometimes feel like I fuck things up and that people thinking I am doing great is sometimes not the way it is. I have an unkind mind (sometimes). I just don’t want someone to think they are doing something that will make them happier, but then they feel let down.

My family. God I don’t want to hurt them.

My friends in the USA (oh so few). Can I visit enough for us to be close enough? My cousin (my age). It has been my pride that has been getting between us. I want so much to talk openly with you, but also I don’t want to be needy.

Long story short, I don’t want the world to be broken. I don’t want to hurt others. Maybe I cannot hurt others. Maybe life goes on. I might lose people who I have once cared about (or if I am lucky I will continually redefine life in a way that makes both myself and others happy).

If you are important to me, don’t be a stranger. I hope I am making your life as happy as you make mine.

One last person who I want to apologize to. His name has 4 letters and starts with an S. I miss working in the same office with him. I feel like we both lead each other astray. I can see that he is a good person and that he wants to create something great in the world. I blamed him, because I felt like he didn’t confide in me in the right way and he started doing unpredictable things. Actually, he was just living his life and maybe I couldn’t always be a part of that. Now I unsure of whether he ever wants to be my friend or hang with me ever again. That is fucked up. I guess I should probably just tell him. I have done things that have been disloyal to him. I guess we all do fucked up things. I am sorry.

One last thing… I could write forever. I am sorry that I have talked shit about other peoples religion. That is not cool. Even in the moment I did that, I felt sorry that I did it. Life is to confusing to know what is true and perhaps the nature of life is that it is impossible for humans to know the nature of life. We only think it is possible.