Helter Skelter Seconds Ticking

I hate to think of myself as being depressed. I hate to think of myself as closed in. But I cannot deny that this is how I sometimes feel.

As I write, my thoughts turn to confusion. Not knowing. Not feeling clear.

We are all endowed with time. We have 86,400 seconds in each day (although I sleep 28,800 seconds every night without regrets). That leaves 58,000 seconds left over.

What am I supposed to do with my time? That is a question that I am sure a lot of other people would have as well. Unfortunately, I often fail to allocate time to the most important things.

I believe that several things are critical to bringing me into feelings of equilibrium, harmony, and happiness. (1) Focus my attention on some sort of vision or purpose for my life. (2) Take time for regular meditation. (3) Definitely put first things first — this means that I must take regular time to plan/schedule the most important activities for my life.

The last thing I would say (and I will leave with a question…) is… how do I know what is causing the problems in my life? There have been times in my life where I have felt really on track and now I am at a point in my life where I feel helter skelter. Does anyone have a technique to create personal awareness of the changes in ones life and how past personal actions affect their present life?

I’m Second guessing.

I’m Not flowing. Self-loathing.

Sit down. Meditate.

Batman on Beneath the Shadow of a Toilet

Annoyed. Not again. I want to spill my soul and tell something truly intimate. But prudence causes me to hold my tongue. No reason to tell the whole world.

I think some of the things I have done are too funny and need to be shared. But I am still worried about ruining my family life. I still do things that would make my wife throw a fit. Why not?

What is my identity as a person. Better yet, should I really worry much about my identity. Probably not. Where does that leave me? It leaves me awake and unable to sleep.

I originally wrote this post on October 1, 2015, but I never published it. It is as true today as it was then and I think the title is funny.

LGBTS Community

I was going out for drinks with some friends and I was asking him about the LGBT community. He told me that it is an open community and anyone can take part in it (although I am not gay, so I couldn’t see how I could participate). It came to me that there should be an LGBTS community (I checked and there is a group on Facebook, but it is only open to people under 25 years of age, so I am not very inspired by it).

Actually, I respect the need for community, but I think the human community is going to suffer as long as people keep dividing themselves into smaller and smaller groups based on race, gender, sexual orientation, age, etc.

So this is me officially forming the LGBTS community. It is open to anyone of any sexual orientation provided that they are a kind and respectful person (but willing to accept the flaws and quirks that come with living in a diverse human nation). Perks for joining… silliness, sharing, inspiration, fun, gayness, straightness, harmony. (I haven’t actually created this group in any way, shape, or form). Haha.

Follow-up

This is a follow-up to my previous post. I guess the only thing I can say is that if I feel like I can take care of myself, then it naturally follows that I should take care of others. You may ask why..?

I remember unpleasant feelings.

When I was feeling unpleasant, I hoped for a savior.

An encouraging word or smile is always helpful.

If I am strong, I can smile.

If I can smile, I can allow my smile to be seen by others (even though I may feel shy).

When others see my smile, they may feel hope.

Their hope may bring them courage and strength to carry on.

They may gain the strength to help others.

I can’t explain it any better. Basically, I am thinking that when I am sad, I hope for a savior. When I am sad, I am thinking too much about myself. So I guess I should be the savior for someone else and stop thinking so much.

Anything done with a bit of hope for personal gain will feel dirty (because of the baggage). I don’t know how to escape this feeling of dirtiness. Sorry. 🙂

I Start with a Poem – and End with Fuckdoll

The struggle indefinite of passion

The feeling piercing of sunlight,

on a misty foggy day.

Godforsaken of the culmination.

Of a ball caught from the toss of a golden hand.

Blissfully demonized until dripping…love’s magnetic aroma. (fishy cum ha ha)

The start of a poem is like the first glimpse from the chamber of the 9mm pistol blasting with suicidal intent. The bullet divergent from the grace of God – The all mighty. The impermeable. The thick skin that flakes off in tiny pieces. A piece of jacketed lead…

I saw the lust of the baker looking for golden crust and moist interior. So pale.

I saw the fervor of the ballman waiting at the corner of the diamond for the empty easy escape.

I witnessed the embodiment of salves to embroider the ointment of the cum of man.

The harassment of the endarkened soul. The quest for freedom!

Where previously I embodied poetry, I now embody Tyler’s gift. The gift of ethanol. The gift of slow sweet hot anal sex. It sickens me in 480p.

The cock never invades a sphincter but chases mouths. And various types of cavities.

And in the end Jason is the drum. Tyler is divine. And music surrounds me. You have not seen heaven.

I wish I could talk normally and in a straightforward fashion. But I can’t.

(ig)Noble Assassin

I keep writing. It has been about one year since I wrote a rather emotional blog. I actually hate reading that blog. Have you ever felt like you hated the person you once were? Have you ever felt like you hate the person you have become? I can empathize with those feelings. I don’t hate myself, but I hate the situation I have let myself into and I hate that I have made mistakes.

I feel marginalized at work. Part of this is real and part of that is probably my own cognitive distortion.

One year has passed and I still feel like I miss some people way too much (my cousin Westin, my friends Sven and Matt, my sisters, and of course my late parents).

Where I once felt noble, now I feel like an assassin with crunchy snow on his jacket and shoes. Everything I do feels noisy and unnatural. Have you ever walked in hard crunchy snow that doesn’t give to your feet?

I watched a movie last night called How to Be Single. It was alright – quite average. It didn’t make me feel inadequate in my relationships. It just made me feel sad that I am not allowed to give my heart as I would wish to give it.

Part of myself hates this blog. I think of canceling it. Something keeps me persisting.

I have stopped watching Survivor. I watched it from when I was 16 until I was thirty, but I no longer feel like I can in good conscience watch that show. I would still love to be on the show (I would also love to be on the show American Ninja).

My vision is just to be free. I am persisting in work just because I don’t want to abandon anything and I want to be true to my past commitments.

To close off this post, I can only say that something has got to give. I totally agree with Bernie Sanders’ assertion that “when one of us hurts, we all hurt”. I don’t know how much psychological pain must be felt knowing that we are abandoning so many people into horrible conditions. I wouldn’t support capitalism (as it is currently organized) as a system if it means that human beings are disposable and insubstantial.

It always come full circle. I guess I need to be less sensitive to everything happening. I know that I will open up my feelings again even though they have been in hibernation (I guess they are already a little open – hahaha).

Exploding Scars of Shrapnel – Got Nothing for You – Cold Ice Throbbing Through a Pulsing Throat – Bloated Rather Inflamed – Ignorant of Place in Time – Blind to Chance Occasion – Succubus – Crestfallen

 

I Hurt

I hate being hard, cold, selfish, hateful, etc. It is the opposite of what I want to be and who I see in myself. I guess the truth is that at times I have pain (physical – an aching in my shoulder blades and neck; emotional – a worry that I am not good enough or that I will be alone in the future); spiritual – not having a connection with my beliefs and the universe). A person in anguish over pain can be a really small and horrid person.

So this morning I was reflecting on my vision and needs… here it is.

My Vision

My vision is to heal the hurts in myself. I don’t want to be hurting and feeling like I have no worth. I need to nurture the key relationships in my life, which are the relationships with:

  • My wife and daughter
  • My sisters
  • My cousin Wes
  • My friend (like brother) Travis and his family

I want to be loving, but I sometimes feel like I am unable. I hurt so much sometimes. I have been hurt so much. I really do want to unify people into one group. I just want to love. But I hurt so much.

Expired Situations

As I write this blog post, an expired situation has already come and gone. And another expired situation has come and gone… and another.

After a situation has happened, I (sometimes) have a brief moment where I remember my emotions, reactions, i.e. a total self-aware experience. That moment lasts only a matter of seconds (possibly ten seconds at most as my gut tells me). After that moment is gone, I am left using my intuition to piece together what I believe to be the key aspects to that expired situation.

Another truth I have seen is that without strong self-awareness, we cannot easily decide what is important and what is not important. Importance is always an expired situation and is always a new situation. It is constantly changing. Constantly changing. In other words, I can never know what is important. I can only use either my gut feeling or some social metric to determine whether something is important or not (or a combination of the two).

Is it worth questioning whether humans really have importance at all or whether it is totally a fabric of social training? But if it is a fabric of social training, then from whence did the original training come.

At this moment, I felt that my entire purpose in writing this was to demonstrate my capacity to think philosophically. How do I feel about that? I feel nothing or sense no feeling…

At this moment, I have a strong feeling that I could become angry in the next week and that my behavior would be unpredictable and destructive. But I feel like I do not know whether I will become angry. I tell myself that erratic behavior is unlikely and therefore will not happen. But is this true?

I then tell myself that as I am in the midst of an unpredictable situation, that it is dire (risky). I need to respond. I can feel myself getting stressed. My stomach is tightening and loosening. I am becoming aware of my physiological response to the stress. I am starting to feel like I need to pull myself away from the keyboard… and I will.

The feeling of hyper-focus is addictive and actually feels like what I think playing with fire is like. It must be avoided at all costs. I remember what it was like to hyper-focus on my heart palpitations…

I have a 100% unawareness of whether something is  culturally acceptable to Cambodians. It leads to behavior that meets a WTF best guess of what is right? I am not sure.

Hyper-wareness is scary.

  • Is it rude to cough indoors?
  • Is it rude to take tissues from tissue dispenser on another person’s desk?

I get angry. I need to accept that.

It is hard to accept on a certain level, as I see myself as a level-headed and peaceful person. I also have self-awareness and in any given moment I am normally self-aware. When something internal happens, perhaps (this is just my theory) I am confused about what has happened.

After a situation happens, I have a brief moment where I remember my emotions, reactions, self-aware experience, etc. That moment lasts only a matter of seconds (possibly ten seconds at most). After that moment is gone, I am left to using my intuition to piece together what I believe to be the key aspects to that expired situation.

Silver Linings and Dark Clouds

Lately it has been very hot in Phnom Penh. I am sitting in a toasty hot flat near the genocide museum. At this moment, I am feeling peaceful with a hint of insecurity.

How can I say this… I am struggling to feel relevant even to myself. I feel like a failure. I guess the silver lining is that this doesn’t bother me too much (or I should say that I know that these feelings cannot destroy too much). The downside to the silver lining is that I maybe am not in touch with my feelings.

I have said this before (maybe not in my blog). There are so many interesting people. A good part of me wants to feel so connected with these many wonderful people. But another part of me feels sorrowful and disconnected – this feeling is because I feel like I cannot be seen or understood. Or even worse that I may be misunderstood and despised.

I have thought before that life is a poem. I think it is a bit poetic that I have a little bouncy ball in my head. I bounce it around… I don’t always see where it is going. I don’t always understand the point of the bouncing. I probably cannot even conceive what it would be like for the bouncing to cease.

When I started my blog, I started with my mission statement. My mission at the time was to live a life of kindness and understanding. I no longer feel like I have a mission in life, but this is not to say that I don’t have a purpose. I still want to be loving – I really just want to express love. I guess I have to experience trust in myself first and love myself first. And not get freaked out about the ugly things inside myself (or the things I label as ugly). And forgive…

Where have I come in past three years…

  1. Less than three years ago I was very uptight and shy. I could rarely pee in a public urinal. I would feel self conscious and get stage fright. Now at least half the time this is no longer a problem.
  2. Less than three years ago I would easily get freaked out about heart palpitations to the point that I would feel nervous like I was going to die. Now I only get to this level of freaked out when I use marijuana (I have cut that crap out of my life).
  3. After I came to Cambodia I pretty much cut pornographic content out of my life. I think this has been really good for me.

I really don’t know how much I should share… I guess part of forgiving is opening up to the hurtful things… The time that I was forced into situations that overwhelmed me and made me feel uncomfortable.

The time that my mother made me feel like a pervert for accidentally walking in on her in the bathroom when I was just a little kid. The time that one of my peers coerced me into touching his private parts when I was in kindergarten. The time that I was not allowed to visit my only friend when I was a teenager and then got switched to another school. All the times when I walked alone around the playground in elementary school because I wasn’t sure whether other kids liked me and I didn’t want to feel like a clingy person for joining in with them. The time when my skin erupted in pimples for several years and I felt like the ugliest person in the world. The time when I didn’t have any girlfriend until I was 24 years old and was too shy to talk to girls.

All this shit makes me pissed off. It really does. Really does. Really does. I share a lot of personal info. People will know too much about me perhaps. I hope nobody uses anything I share against me. I am not really too worried.

Fuck my parents for not taking care of me and my sisters the way they should have. Fuck every other parent for not taking care of their kids.

That is my final word for today. Fuck. And that can be a loving word. Just turn it inside out and don’t be a fucker.

Sun connected to moon and lightning

A Lover a Year…

I have just been listening to a song about fucking and loving. Isn’t that living? I am just thinking that my new feeling is that people should have at least one sexual partner per year of their life. In other words, everyone should have had at least three to five sexual partners by the time they are eighteen.

I also feel that a person should have multiple sexual partners after marrying (still keeping in line with the one per year rule). That is a redefinition of marriage. I think people should try to connect on the deepest possible level with all people. There would never be a moment where one person could be deemed the deepest possible soulmate, because there would also be openness to the next connection.

Why aren’t there more public orgies?

Dude it seems that yellow tightness has reached my ears.

Is it my fears creeping up?

Licking the drippings and doing the things we cannot.

You shot yourself and didn’t fucking care.

You decided that you were nowhere and didn’t mind.

Sun connected to moon and lightning